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Thursday, November 3, 2011

The End of "Birthday Grah"

My birthday was last Saturday.  I always joke that my birthday is a Texas national holiday (I know, Texas isn't a nation.. but, it was at one time.  Humor me here, people!)  I don't believe in a birth "day", per se.. it's more like a birth month (at LEAST a birth week).  I'm not so excited about adding another year to the great, big, huge number 4 that sits at the front of my numerical age.. but, I still get excited about the approaching day for some odd reason.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that I ate like crap and didn't work out all month long.  I really didn't do it on purpose.. it just kind of happened, and I have gained 8 pounds.  Mind you, I'm not a lap bander, like most of you are.  I'm trying to lose it on my own, with the hope that when my husband gets HIS lap band, then it will be easier for me to comply to a lower cal. diet.  But, the weight gain is still a big deal to me.  I went on my first "diet" when I was 5 years old and I spent all of my teen-age years and much of my 20's and 30's as an anorexic. I lived on Diet Coke and cigarettes.. no lie!  I managed to eat healthy when I was pregnant.. but, even though I breast fed all of my children, I wound up having to supplement their nutrition, early on, because my milk supply did not seem sufficient to satisfy them.  I've always known that was because I was starving myself dieting too much.

To see myself fat, in the mirror, is a truly horrible experience. I try not to look at myself, as a whole person, when I do have to look in the mirror.  I look at my hair when I do it, I look at my eyes when I put on my mascara but, I don't look at me.  I normally will just wear some baggy t-shirt or sweat shirt, when I leave the house so I don't have to scrutinize my appearance.  When I'm home, ask anyone who lives with me.. I don't look in the mirror at all.. and, it's pretty obvious, really.

My whole point is 8 pounds up is the wrong direction.  And, I've tried to make up for it the past couple of days by not eating.  Literally, just having my coffee, and maybe one or two tortilla chips from the bag that is laying on my kitchen table.  Of course, yesterday got the better of me.  I ate almost an entire Domino's Artesian Pizza by myself.  Today?  I've had one PB&J sandwich (and, of course, my coffee).

Seriously, I'm killing myself here (probably, literally).  Tomorrow is a new day.  Back to counting calories.. not only to make sure I don't eat too much.. but, also to make sure I don't eat too little.  Also, back to the (at least) four to six days at the gym.

Wish me luck folks!

5 comments:

  1. one step at a time, and I love you :)

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  2. I feel you on this one! The thing that drove me to research weight loss surgery is that, the thought of starving myself one more time to get to a place that I knew I couldn't stay, just made me sick. My relationship with food was so broken and disordered from so early on in my life that I just didn't think I could ever have a normal relationship with food. It was my best friend and my very worst enemy. I have been in therapy for years and made great progress, but I just couldn't do it on my own anymore. I commend you for keeping on keeping on! Hang in there!

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  3. i feel ya on this too. the guilt, the trying to "undo" the gains by starving...all of it...except i was never good at not eating consistently which is how my weight got as high as it did.

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  4. You can do it! It's not easy with or without lap-band, but just start my making one good choice at a time!

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